(A) Side Descriptions – Appropriate for ALL Audiences
TRIED AND TRUE, PALE ALE, 6.0% ABV: There are few things you can count on in this ever-changing world: the smell of freshly cut grass, a lint-covered butterscotch in the bottom of your grandma’s purse, the fact that Aunt Shirley will bring green bean casserole to every holiday meal. But none of those compare to the consistent pleasure of this American Style Pale Ale. Balanced, crisp, and floral, this beer–unlike your prom date and tofurkey–will never disappoint. It’s Tried and True, just like you!
EASY MONEY, AMBER ALE, 5.5% ABV: Like Lionel Richie’s Sunday morning and what the federal budget will never be, this Amber Ale is easy and balanced, with a mellow flavor that encourages you to sit back and put your feet up. We call this brew Easy Money, because we really don’t want to know what you did to earn it–we just want you to enjoy it!
FUNKED CLUSTER, AMERICAN STYLE IPA – 6.8% ABV: Let’s face it–sometimes you just want to get funked up. This American Style IPA is a whole Cluster Funk of flavor: bitter, hoppy, and loud. It gets right up in your face and demands to know whether you’re (wo)man enough to handle its level of funktitude. We totally think you are. Believe in yourself, beer lover, and let your funk flag fly!
GOSE TRIPPIN’, KETTLE SOUR ALE 4.5% ABV: “I’ll take Flavor Profiles for $500, Alex.” “The answer is green apples, limes, kumquats, soursop, and Gose Trippin’ Kettle Sour Ale.’” “Things that are fruity and sour, with a clean finish?” “Congratulations, Champ! Go ahead and treat yourself to a daily double for being so damn clever!”
OH MAMA! MILK STOUT, 8.2% ABV: Mama always said, “Drink your milk!” and we’re confident this Oh Mama! Milk Stout is what she actually had in mind. Round, robust and sweet, just like Mama herself, this Stout doesn’t believe in spankings, couldn’t care less if you finished your broccoli or peas, and will love you unconditionally, right to the end.
ARM CANDY, LIGHT LAGER, 4.2% ABV: —This American Light Lager is pure Arm Candy: lightweight, undemanding, gorgeous to look at, and guaranteed to give you a good time! Like sunlight in a bottle all year long, this low-calorie beer is smooth, crisp and bright. Pair it with seafood, a burger or enjoy it on its own. Like you, this Arm Candy is sure to turn heads!
PROUD MARY, NEW ENGLAND STYLE IPA, 8.4% ABV: —Proud Mary New England IPA: the signature beer of That Damn Mary! Juicy, with 8.4% alcohol, one sip and you’ll know why Mary proudly calls this her signature beer. The flavor beckons you to sit back and celebrate the grains, reveling in all of the gorgeous deliciousness. This IPA captures the spirit of That Damn Mary and our entire DamNation: bold, courageous, unfiltered and determined to live out loud! So get proud and have a Mary moment of your own!
MORNING GLORY, WEST COAST IPA, 6.5% ABV: Mary wakes up with a smile every morning thinking about this West Coast style IPA’s hint of Peruvian whole bean coffee. Crisp and clean, with 6.5% ABV, it’s the result of a partnership with Cerveceria Paqcha in Cusco, Peru, where Mary solved one of life’s greatest quandaries: “I want a beer, but need a coffee.” This sun-soaked brew brings the best of both to you, and you don’t even need to renew your passport. You’re welcome!
SO DAMN FUNKED, IMPERIAL IPA, 8.2% ABV – OUT OF STOCK: This big, rich, smooth, imminently drinkable Imperial IPA’s got 8.2% ABV and a question for you: Are you (wo)man enough to handle this level of hoppy funkitude? We totally think you are, but be warned: Once you dip your toe into this righteous Fountain of Funk, you might as well dive in and get yourself So Damn Funked! Don’t worry, baby. We got you! We even brought you a towel.
DAMN DAZE, RED ALE, 7% ABV – OUT OF STOCK: This Ruby Red Ale is so wholesome and natural that you’re going to want to take it home to meet Mom. Super smooth, with hints of fresh cranberries and a touch of rosemary, its great taste and 7% ABV will put you in a happy Daze. So mellow, so pleasant, so naturally nice, it mixes perfectly with everyone… even creepy Uncle Randy.
AXLE ADDICT, PILSNER, 4.7% ABV: This Pilsner is a jacked-up pickup truck that drives like a Lamborghini, careening around your taste buds like it’s on tracks and sliding down your gullet and into your happy place on greased wheels! With 4.7% ABV and 20 IBUs, it’s a smooth ride for any pale lager lover, brewed in the Bohemian tradition with just the right amount of hops to keep your motor running.
LEIA’S REVENGE, MILK STOUT, 7.2% ABV – OUT OF STOCK: Like a hug from your BFF, this pastry stout will soothe what ails you. With 22 dozen cinnamon rolls lovingly baked by the DamNation in the mix, and notes of cinnamon, chocolate, vanilla, and coffee, this 7.2 % ABV will put every hair back in place…and by “in place” we mean coiled into a bun on either side of your head. Perfect for days when the force is with you, and also for days when it’s not!
HOLDEN IN THE RYE, RYE ALE, 7% ABV – OUT OF STOCK: We know you didn’t read the book when it was assigned, so you’ll just have to trust us that there’s nothing phony about this Rye Ale. Spicy yet smooth, full-bodied and creamy, this 7% ABV’s the real deal, good enough for Phoebe, if only she was 21.
GLOOTY CALL, WHEAT BEER, 5.5% ABV: Sometimes you just gotta have it: a totally delicious, gluten-rich wheat beer. When the craving hits, give in to a Glooty Call! Get your needs met with this seductively smooth 5.5 % ABV temptress of taste that will surely leave you deeply satisfied. Unlike some other aspects of your life, this Glooty Call promises no regrets, only good times!
KISS MY DAMN, NEW ENGLAND STYLE IPA, 7.0% ABV: Goodbye, quarantine; hello, paradise! With hints of pineapple to carry you away, this round, ripe, rich beer is guaranteed to make you say, “Pandemics? Problems? Persnickety People? You can all Kiss my Damn…” At 7% ABV, with 56 IBUs, it’s a deliciously drinkable escape – and much less trouble than a yacht.
SMACK IT LIKE IT’S HOT, PALE ALE, 6.5% ABV: Who knew that the best way to get flavor from basil is to slap it? Mary knew, and she’s smacked the tar out of the basil in this 6.5% ABV pale ale. Then she added farm fresh habaneros, and let it all age for two months. The end result? A smooth yet sassy, deliciously drinkable brew with 40 IBUs and just the right amount of attitude.
SQUEEZE THE DAY, BLOOD ORANGE NEW ENGLAND IPA, 7% ABV: Time is short and pleasure is fleeting…or is it vice versa? Doesn’t matter when you can Squeeze the Day! At 7% ABV, this New England style IPA is chock full of blood orange goodness. Can’t you just see the palm trees and feel the ocean breeze? Grab yourself some liquid sunshine and make the most of every mouthful!
DAMN GOOD BEETING, KVASS SOUR ALE, 5.7% ABV: Remember when you squared up to that middle schooler who took your little sister’s lunch money? You got your ass kicked, but that was a beating for a good cause. We’re not asking you to throw hands again, Champ, even though we know you’re up to it. Instead, we want you to throw back a Damn Good Beeting, our delicious kvass sour ale, so chock full of bread and beets that you’ll instantly get those gains, bro. It’s for a number of great causes: animals, access to health care, and food for the needy. So take A Damn Good Beeting for the team, hero. The world needs more big-hearted beer drinkers like you!
FUNK ME PUMPS, PUMPKIN ALE, 7% ABV: What’s in fashion this fall? Funk Me Pumps, baby! This beer is for people who prefer the kids’ table to Uncle Paul’s political rants, would rather carve a prison shank from a wishbone than listen to Gampy talk about his gout, and may or may not have passed out before dessert the last five holidays running. With 7% ABV and 20 IBUs of cinnamon sugar roasted pumpkin, this nutmeg, vanilla, ginger and cinnamon laced beer is just like you: Sweetly spiced, and seriously tasty. Tell Aunt Linda to leave her pumpkin pie at home this year; you’ve got yours in liquid form. Then strap on your Funk Me Pumps and own the holiday season!
LIMA FEELIN’ FINE, GOSE SOUR ALE, 4% ABV: We may be in the middle of a global pandemic, but Lima Feelin’ Fine. You know why? Cause I keep my mouth covered with a glass of this sour gose. So sour it will make you pucker in places you didn’t know you could, this gose’s got limes, apricots, and plums, plus 4% ABV and 10 IBUs. There are no paper umbrellas in a drink this sour, baby; only mad props for being (wo)man enough to handle it. So wrap those freshly washed paws around one of these, and you’ll seen forget the ‘rona and say Lima Feelin’ Fine, too!
DRAGONFLY GROOVE, NORTHERN ENGLISH BROWN ALE, 6% ABV: This brown ale is easy-drinking and gorgeously smooth, landing gently on your senses and soothing what ails you. With 15 IBUs and 6% ABV, it’s a solid tune with no dissonant chords, a melody of rich taste and endless drinkability. Like the first time you heard a now-favorite song, Dragonfly Groove will make you a believer. So pour a pint and let the groove move you, baby!
UDDERLY BRULEE BRULEE, CREME BRULEE’ DESSERT IPA – 10.2 % ABV: This milkshake IPA brings all the boys and girls to the bar! Thirty pounds of crème brulee are mixed into a delicious IPA, leaving hints of vanilla and caramel and a beer so tasty, so decadent, so delicious that you’ll want to drink it ‘til the cows come home.
HOLDEN IN THE FOX, RYE ALE AGED IN A COPPER FOX RYE WHISKY BARRELL – 11% ABV: This sly, crafty beer is our gorgeous Holden rye brew with a secret: it’s been hiding out in a copper Fox rye whiskey barrel! Velvety smooth and spicy, with hints of charred oak and rye whiskey, it’s a barrel full of flavor with nothing phony about it.
WICKED VALENTINE, VANILLA HABANERO MILK STOUT – 8.2% ABV: Remember in second grade when you decorated a shoebox to hold all the Valentines from your classmates? And were so stoked to get the candy heart that said I Choose You? Well, this ain’t that kind of Valentine. A perfect blend of soothing vanilla and fiery Habanero, this Milk Stout is the one your mama warned you about! She’ll blow your hair back, then help you comb it into place. Keep you up all night, then take you to church. Comfort and chaos, fire and ice, buckle in, baby, ‘cause it’s gonna be an unforgettable ride!
FLIGHT OF THE EARLS, BELGIAN DUBBEL – 6.5% ABV: In 1607, a band of Irishmen, led by two earls, fled to Belgium to escape English rule. They took with them a respect for tradition and a deep appreciation for what the land can produce – like righteous brews! We honor these feisty dudes with this unfiltered Belgian Dubbel, whos amber color perfectly represents the hints of dates and raisins within. Coming at you with a 6.5% ABV and 18 IBU, this beer’s not for the weak; it’s for exiles, outlaws, and everyone who believes that nothing’s more important than the right to live free. Sláinte!
MEET THE DAMN AUTHOR! Sprung from the scrub palms of the Florida swamps, Corey Stewart has spent her entire adult life running from the law — a trek that has taken her to six foreign countries, thirteen American cities, and Episcopal seminary. The two consistent elements of her peripatetic existence? Her love for words and her love for beer. So when Mary asked her to write some beer descriptions, her only question was, “Do I get unlimited samples?” After convincing Mary that writing is thirsty work and inspiration would require several hours bellied up to the bar for each beer, a deal was struck. When she’s not sneaking behind the beertenders to pull her own drafts, Stewart can be found writing speeches and short stories, or pecking away at the next Great American Novel.