(A) Side Descriptions – Appropriate for ALL Audiences
TRIED AND TRUE, PALE ALE, 6.0% ABV: There are few things you can count on in this ever-changing world: the smell of freshly cut grass, a lint-covered butterscotch in the bottom of your grandma’s purse, the fact that Aunt Shirley will bring green bean casserole to every holiday meal. But none of those compare to the consistent pleasure of this American Style Pale Ale. Balanced, crisp, and floral, this beer–unlike your prom date and tofurkey–will never disappoint. It’s Tried and True, just like you!
EASY MONEY, AMBER ALE, 5.5%, ABV: Like Lionel Richie’s Sunday morning and what the federal budget will never be, this Amber Ale is easy and balanced, with a mellow flavor that encourages you to sit back and put your feet up. We call this brew Easy Money, because we really don’t want to know what you did to earn it–we just want you to enjoy it!
GOSE TRIPPIN’, KETTLE SOUR ALE, ABV 4.5% ABV: “I’ll take Flavor Profiles for $500, Alex.” “The answer is green apples, limes, kumquats, soursop, and Gose Trippin’ Kettle Sour Ale.’” “Things that are fruity and sour, with a clean finish?” “Congratulations, Champ! Go ahead and treat yourself to a daily double for being so damn clever!”
OH MAMA! MILK STOUT, ABV 8.2%, ABV: Mama always said, “Drink your milk!” and we’re confident this Oh Mama! Milk Stout is what she actually had in mind. Round, robust and sweet, just like Mama herself, this Stout doesn’t believe in spankings, couldn’t care less if you finished your broccoli or peas, and will love you unconditionally, right to the end.
ARM CANDY, LIGHT LAGER, 4.2% ABV: —This American Light Lager is pure Arm Candy: lightweight, undemanding, gorgeous to look at, and guaranteed to give you a good time! Like sunlight in a bottle all year long, this low-calorie beer is smooth, crisp and bright. Pair it with seafood, a burger or enjoy it on its own. Like you, this Arm Candy is sure to turn heads!
PROUD MARY, NEW ENGLAND STYLE IPA, 8.4% ABV: —Proud Mary New England IPA: the signature beer of That Damn Mary! Juicy, with 8.4% alcohol, one sip and you’ll know why Mary proudly calls this her signature beer. The flavor beckons you to sit back and celebrate the grains, reveling in all of the gorgeous deliciousness. This IPA captures the spirit of That Damn Mary and our entire DamNation: bold, courageous, unfiltered and determined to live out loud! So get proud and have a Mary moment of your own!
MORNING GLORY, WEST COAST IPA, 6.5% ABV: Mary wakes up with a smile every morning thinking about this West Coast style IPA’s hint of Peruvian whole bean coffee. Crisp and clean, with 6.5% ABV, it’s the result of a partnership with Cerveceria Paqcha in Cusco, Peru, where Mary solved one of life’s greatest quandaries: “I want a beer, but need a coffee.” This sun-soaked brew brings the best of both to you, and you don’t even need to renew your passport. You’re welcome!
SO DAMN FUNKED, IMPERIAL IPA, 8.2% ABV: This big, rich, smooth, imminently drinkable Imperial IPA’s got 8.2% ABV and a question for you: Are you (wo)man enough to handle this level of hoppy funkitude? We totally think you are, but be warned: Once you dip your toe into this righteous Fountain of Funk, you might as well dive in and get yourself So Damn Funked! Don’t worry, baby. We got you! We even brought you a towel.
DAMN DAZE, RED ALE, 7% ABV: This Ruby Red Ale is so wholesome and natural that you’re going to want to take it home to meet Mom. Super smooth, with hints of fresh cranberries and a touch of rosemary, its great taste and 7% ABV will put you in a happy Daze. So mellow, so pleasant, so naturally nice, it mixes perfectly with everyone… even creepy Uncle Randy.
AXLE ADDICT, PILSNER, 4.7% ABV: This Pilsner is a jacked-up pickup truck that drives like a Lamborghini, careening around your taste buds like it’s on tracks and sliding down your gullet and into your happy place on greased wheels! With 4.7% ABV and 20 IBUs, it’s a smooth ride for any pale lager lover, brewed in the Bohemian tradition with just the right amount of hops to keep your motor running.
LEIA’S REVENGE, MILK STOUT, 7.2% ABV: Like a hug from your BFF, this pastry stout will soothe what ails you. With 22 dozen cinnamon rolls lovingly baked by the DamNation in the mix, and notes of cinnamon, chocolate, vanilla, and coffee, this 7.2 % ABV will put every hair back in place…and by “in place” we mean coiled into a bun on either side of your head. Perfect for days when the force is with you, and also for days when it’s not!
HOLDEN IN THE RYE, RYE ALE, 7% ABV: We know you didn’t read the book when it was assigned, so you’ll just have to trust us that there’s nothing phony about this Rye Ale. Spicy yet smooth, full-bodied and creamy, this 7% ABV’s the real deal, good enough for Phoebe, if only she was 21.
GLOOTY CALL, WHEAT BEER, 5.5% ABV: Sometimes you just gotta have it: a totally delicious, gluten-rich wheat beer. When the craving hits, give in to a Glooty Call! Get your needs met with this seductively smooth 5.5 % ABV temptress of taste that will surely leave you deeply satisfied. Unlike some other aspects of your life, this Glooty Call promises no regrets, only good times!
KISS MY DAMN, NEW ENGLAND STYLE IPA, 7.0% ABV: Goodbye, quarantine; hello, paradise! With hints of pineapple to carry you away, this round, ripe, rich beer is guaranteed to make you say, “Pandemics? Problems? Persnickety People? You can all Kiss my Damn…” At 7% ABV, with 56 IBUs, it’s a deliciously drinkable escape – and much less trouble than a yacht.
SMACK IT LIKE IT’S HOT, PALE ALE, 6.5% ABV: Who knew that the best way to get flavor from basil is to slap it? Mary knew, and she’s smacked the tar out of the basil in this 6.5% ABV pale ale. Then she added farm fresh habaneros, and let it all age for two months. The end result? A smooth yet sassy, deliciously drinkable brew with 40 IBUs and just the right amount of attitude.
MEET THE DAMN AUTHOR! Sprung from the scrub palms of the Florida swamps, Corey Stewart Hassman has spent her entire adult life running from the law — a trek that has taken her to six foreign countries, thirteen American cities, and Episcopal seminary. The two consistent elements of her peripatetic existence? Her love for words and her love for beer. So when Mary asked her to write some beer descriptions, her only question was, “Do I get unlimited samples?” After convincing Mary that writing is thirsty work and inspiration would require several hours bellied up to the bar for each beer, a deal was struck. When she’s not sneaking behind the beertenders to pull her own drafts, Stewart Hassman can be found writing speeches and short stories, or pecking away at the next Great American Novel.